


Samantha in Wonderland

by Sue Corkill (mscorkill)



Series: Movie Night Trilogy [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-04
Updated: 2012-04-04
Packaged: 2017-11-03 01:42:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/375684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mscorkill/pseuds/Sue%20Corkill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam has a most curious adventure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Samantha in Wonderland

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this story came to me after reading a certain passage in Wendy Parkinson’s story "The Joining". I owe my thanks to her for encouraging me to actually write this story. My apologies to any "Alice in Wonderland" purists.
> 
> Season Three; originally posted July 2000

SAMANTHA IN WONDERLAND

As soon as Sam felt the key turn in the lock, she pushed the door open, turning back to wave at the man waiting in the car by the curb, letting him know she was in safely. As Colonel O’Neill drove off, Sam let the door close behind her and then leaned back against the door, smiling to herself. She came out of her momentary reverie to the realization that she and her umbrella were dripping all over the floor. She quickly wiped her wet feet on the doormat and made her way to the utility room off the kitchen where she shook out the umbrella and then opened it to let it dry.

Going about her nightly routine, she thought about the evening that had just ended. Janet had invited the members of SG-1 to join her and Cassie for a cookout. The May weather had just turned nice, but could still be unpredictable. That would explain why they had to move the cookout indoors after a thunderstorm the weather forecasters had missed suddenly appeared. Fortunately the burgers were almost finished cooking, so the Colonel didn’t have to stand under an umbrella in the rain very long until they were done.

After they finished eating, it was inevitable that someone would turn on the television. While Sam and Janet finished the clean up, the others all congregated in the family room. From the kitchen, Sam could hear the sound of some familiar sounding music and Daniel and Cassie talking. Suddenly Daniel said, "Stop," telling Cassie to leave the TV on that station, they should watch the movie coming on next.

Janet called out from the kitchen, "Cassie, Daniel, what movie are you talking about?"

"It’s ‘Alice in Wonderland’—when did you start getting the Disney channel?" came Daniel’s reply.

"I didn’t know we got the Disney channel—they must have added it to our regular package."

"Well, you have it now. I was just telling Cassie we should really watch this movie, it’s a classic. Well, at least the book is a classic, and I suppose the movie might be considered one." Sam looked out into the family room and saw Daniel give Cassie a quick grin as he added, "And besides, even someone from Toronto would have seen this at least once."

Janet came into the living room then, "Alright, since it isn’t a school night and our cookout was rained out I suppose we should have a special treat." She reached out and ruffled Cassie’s hair. "And Daniel’s right, this movie is a classic." She gave him a fond smile.

Soon all of them were settled in the family room watching the movie. Cassie and Teal’c, on the floor in front of the TV, both quite engrossed with the story. Daniel sprawled in an overstuffed chair with Janet sitting on the floor in front of him, leaning comfortably against his legs. Both of them taking turns answering the questions being asked regarding the story. In fact, Daniel was quite a fount of information. Did she know, he had asked Sam, that Lewis Carroll was a professor of mathematics at Oxford University when he wrote "Alice in Wonderland"? And that some experts believe that the popularity of this type of fantasy literature is due to a mathematical logic which underlies the story? Sam, who was next to the Colonel on the sofa, had been forced to admit that she hadn’t known any of that, to which the Colonel had gotten a good laugh.

"Come on Carter," he had said as he nudged her, "something about math you don’t know?"

To which she had replied haughtily, "My area of expertise is Astrophysics, sir. Not the mathematics of Alice in Wonderland." At which everyone laughed.

Sam found herself humming the very merry unbirthday song while she brushed her teeth—oh no, she thought, I’ll never get this song out of my brain. Which is maybe okay, since it might keep me from thinking too much about what happened in the car when the Colonel brought me home.

The evening had ended on a lively note with everyone relieved that Alice escaped the beheading decree of the Red Queen. Teal’c had remarked that the Red Queen was as ruthless as any System Lord. It had been such a nice evening, she really hated to see it end, but they were due to leave on a mission the next evening. They had to report back to the base at noon so they decided to call it an early night. Once everything was cleaned up, they said good night to Janet and Cassie and prepared to leave. Sam had come with Daniel, since her car was in the shop, and somehow she ended up being driven home by the Colonel. Not that she minded, but she could sense the fine hand of Daniel and Janet at work.

It was still raining when they left so Janet loaned them an umbrella to use. Only one umbrella, she hoped (she said with a grin) that they wouldn’t mind sharing. Daniel’s car was in the drive, so he and Teal’c wouldn’t need an umbrella, O’Neill on the other hand was parked up the street. They said their good-byes at the door, then the Colonel popped open the umbrella, grabbed her around the waist and they took off at a brisk clip towards his car.

Even with the umbrella they still got wet, and being held close to his side, she could smell the leather of his jacket, his after shave, and the scent of the rain--all in all, an irresistible combination. She was somewhat breathless when they got to the car, the Colonel teasing her that she must be getting out of shape. He opened the passenger door and held the umbrella while she got in, then went around and opened his own door.

It wasn’t a long drive to her house; they chatted mostly about what would happen if any of the real System Lords were to ever encounter the Red Queen. The Colonel pulled up to her house, stopping at the curb. "You take the umbrella Carter," he told her with a grin, "I’ll park in the garage, won’t be getting wet."

"Thank-you sir, and thanks for the ride home. It really was a nice evening." She smiled at him and gathering up her purse and the umbrella, she began to open the door when she felt his hand on her shoulder. As she turned back to look at him he brought his hand up and cupped her cheek, leaning forward, he pressed a soft kiss to her lips. Sam was so surprised she couldn’t even move much less think. He pulled back and smiled at her, saying, "Yes, it was a nice evening."

When she didn’t move, he reached past her and opened the car door saying "Goodnight Sam, I’ll pick you up at 1000. See you in the morning."

The gust of wind and rain that came through the now open door snapped Sam out of her trance. She quickly got out of the car, pausing to open the umbrella and call out goodnight as the wind blew the car door shut behind her. Running up the walk to the front door she let herself in.

As she set her alarm clock for 0800, she wondered could she have acted any more idiotic? You would think she had never been kissed before. It wasn’t like she and the Colonel hadn’t kissed before, but she had to be honest and admit that what had happened in the locker room that time didn’t really count. This, however, did. She was feeling a bit like Alice when she had said in the movie, "It would be nice if something made sense for a change." She was definitely feeling like what had just happened with the Colonel didn’t make sense.

It was just a friendly kiss Sam, she told herself. Don’t go making more out of it than it is. With that sound advice, she crawled under the covers and fell asleep listening to the sound of the rain on the roof.

 

Sam sat at the briefing table, reviewing the MALP data they had received for P8J-447, SG-1’s next mission destination, when she heard the sound of someone running down the hallway. As she looked up from her notes to see who was in such a hurry, Daniel came rushing into the room. He was slightly out of breath and looking about with an almost frantic gaze. "Daniel, what’s wrong?" she asked, becoming alarmed.

Pulling a gold pocket watch out of his vest watch pocket, he opened it and made a dismayed sound. "Daniel, what’s wrong?" Sam asked again. "And since when did you start carrying a pocket watch?" Wait a minute, she thought, since when did ALICE vests come with watch pockets? Granted, ALICE vests have pockets for most everything, but watches? ALICE vests? After the movie last night, this seemed way too weird. While Sam was lost in thought regarding ALICE vests, pocket watches, and Disney movies, Daniel took off down the stairs towards the control room, muttering under his breath. When she realized he hadn’t answered her, she went after him. She thought she could hear him saying something about being late.

"Wait Daniel," she called as she started down the stairs. "You’re not late, we haven’t even started the briefing yet!"

Sam nearly collided with Daniel as she entered the control room. He sidestepped her quickly and took off down the stairs to the gate room. He had dialed up the Stargate, the familiar whoosh sounding as the energy vortex appeared. She glanced quickly at the computer and didn’t recognize the address he had dialed. "Daniel," she called after him. "Listen to me, you shouldn’t be doing this. Does the Colonel know what you’re doing?" As he started up the ramp, she ran after him calling, "Daniel, please stop—tell me what’s going on so I can help!"

He paused briefly at the event horizon, looking back to see Sam just entering the gate room. "Sorry Sam, gotta’ run, I’m going to be late."

With that, he entered the gate.

Sam ran up the ramp and just before she threw herself through the event horizon after him it occurred to her that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. But it was too late; she was already being pulled into the wormhole. Her shout of "Daniel!" echoing off the walls of the now empty gateroom.

As soon as Sam went through the gate, she knew something was wrong. Well, maybe not wrong, but certainly different. She wasn’t experiencing any of the usual vertigo or momentary disorientation she normally felt. She also hadn’t reached the destination yet. In fact, she appeared to be falling. She seemed to be in some kind of controlled fall, all the while descending at a speed that allowed her time to look around. For the entire world it looked like she was in some type of hole and it definitely wasn’t a wormhole. It wasn’t terribly dark in the hole; if she looked up she could just make out a faint circle of light that she thought must be the Stargate. She looked down, and couldn’t see the bottom. All things considered, she was remarkably calm. She only hoped Daniel had fallen through the same hole.

As she considered this turn of events, she suddenly hit the bottom, landing with a distinct thud. "For crying out loud," she exclaimed, as she quickly stood and surveyed her surroundings. There was a hallway heading off to her right, and she could see Daniel moving away from her down the hall. He was still talking to himself, muttering about being late. A quick survey of where she had landed revealed nothing (not even a DHD), so she decided her best course of action was to follow Daniel.

She took off at a quick jog after Daniel, when, feeling an odd draft, she suddenly realized she was no longer dressed in her fatigues. She stopped and looked down at herself. She was wearing a dress, and not her usual dress uniform. This was a real dress, powder blue, with a fitted bodice, short sleeves and a full skirt. There was a white pinafore over the dress, which tied with a big bow in the back (how she hated big bows, especially ones on her butt). Realizing the skirt seemed extraordinarily full, she lifted it up, Holy Hannah, she counted at least three petticoats and two crinolines. And, my word was she actually wearing bloomers? She thought that was the right word for this particular undergarment. Looking down her legs, she saw that she had on white tights, but strangely enough, instead of the black patent leather Mary Jane’s she would have expected, she still wore her standard-issue combat boots. She looked at them proudly; they were polished to such a shine that they could have been mistaken for patent leather.

A sound from down the hall caught her attention. Daniel! She quickly stopped admiring her boots and looking down the corridor saw him turn a corner. Now is not the time to wonder about your new wardrobe Sam, she chided herself, as she started running after Daniel again. She reached the corner, and though she thought she heard him, when she rounded the corner he was nowhere to be seen. Only an empty room with one door.

Okay, Daniel obviously wasn’t in the room, and as she hadn’t passed him in the corridor, he must have gone through the door. Sam reached out cautiously and turned the doorknob. The door opened only to reveal a second door. Sam opened the second door, and saw a third door. With an exasperated sigh she opened the third door, only to be confronted with a fourth door. And each door was smaller than the previous. If this kept up, she wouldn’t be able to fit through the doorway. She had to bend down almost to the floor to turn the knob of the fourth door, nothing happened. She took a firmer grip and pulled harder.

"Ouch! That hurts! Careful there!" came the sound of a voice.

Startled, Sam let go of the doorknob so quickly that she fell flat on her behind. Momentarily stunned, she could only look in amazement at the doorknob, which seemed to have developed eyes, ears, nose, and a mouth. She looked a little more closely at the knob, were its eyes glowing? No, that had to be just the gleam of the brass. Then why was she getting the creepy feeling that the doorknob had more than just a passing resemblance to Apophis? Whoa, wait a minute, a talking doorknob that looked like Apophis? Wait another minute, a talking doorknob?

"Uh, I’m sorry," she stammered. "I’m trying to find my friend. I think he went through this doorway."

"Are you now?" the doorknob asked rather snootily. "Well, you seem a bit too, how can I put this delicately, too large to fit through this door."

"Well, yes, I suppose I am." Sam replied, and thought just what she needed, a doorknob with an attitude. "But I really need to find my friend. You don’t suppose I could just try squeezing through?"

"You certainly won’t fit through here, especially with that big bow on your butt."

Sam thought she detected just a bit of disdain in the doorknob’s voice when it commented on her bow. She couldn’t help how she was dressed! As she contemplated on ways to rid herself of the detestable bow, the doorknob added, "You might try drinking out of that bottle over there."

Sam looked behind her and saw a small amber medicine bottle sitting on a table. She could have sworn that table wasn’t there before. Picking up the bottle, she struggled briefly with the childproof cap before getting it open. She sniffed the contents carefully, not too bad, smelled kind of like strawberries. One couldn’t be too careful when it came to drinking or eating strange things she reasoned. After all, look what had happened to the Colonel on Argos. Well, this seemed safe enough, and besides she had to find Daniel and if this was the only way, bottoms up! She took a small sip and immediately felt a warm sensation throughout her body. She took another sip, and she suddenly felt like the room was spinning away larger and larger, only it wasn’t the room getting larger and larger, it was her getting smaller and smaller.

She barely had time to set the bottle down before it would have been too big for her to hold. As the room settled around her, she saw with satisfaction that she was just the right size to fit through the door. She approached the door with confidence and grabbed the knob with both hands, turning it with all her might. It didn’t budge. She gripped it tighter and tried turning it again.

"Careful there! I do have feelings you know," the doorknob cried. Sam quickly let go and the doorknob scrunched its face around. ‘’You’ve practically cut off the circulation to my nose," it whined at her. "Door’s locked, didn’t you get the key?" it added with just a hint of malice.

"Locked? Key? You didn’t say anything about being locked," Sam retorted.

"You seem like a smart girl, thought you could figure that one out on your own," the doorknob sneered at her. "Key’s on the table," it said with an evil grin.

Sam looked back at the table, now towering over her head. She could see the key through the glass tabletop. How was she ever going to get to the key? If she had some climbing equipment, she could climb up one of the legs. But she had left the SGC before she had put on her gear, then she remembered her current attire—she guessed changing into her gear wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. Oh dear, what could she do?

Turning back to the doorknob she begged, "Please, you must help me. I must find my friend. He may be in trouble."

"Well," the doorknob said rather grudgingly, "you might try eating one of the biscuits in that tin."

"What tin?" Sam asked, looking around and then suddenly spying a tin of Digestives, she opened it and took out one of the biscuits. Taking a small bite, she felt the room start to spin and realized she was growing bigger, and bigger, and bigger! Before she knew it she had grown to gigantic proportions, her knees were jammed up under her chin and she couldn’t hold her head up because the ceiling was now too low.

What was she going to do now? She couldn’t even see the table anymore, though she thought maybe that was what she could feel poking her in the back. As she shifted about trying to find the table, she accidentally kicked the doorknob.

"Watch it, you clumsy human—those boots hurt!" the doorknob cried.

"Well, if you had taken the time to tell me what I needed to know in the first place then none of this would have happened," she replied a bit angrily.

"Humph, well, you’re the scientist, not me," came the doorknob’s snippy reply.

This was all getting to be too much. An Apophis wannabe doorknob was bullying her! She, who had faced down System Lords, gone to ‘hell’ and survived, was being bossed about by a mere doorknob. Well, she had had enough. Taking her right foot, Sam very delicately placed the heel of her combat boot against the door. Then in a very firm voice she told the doorknob, "If you don’t help me find that medicine bottle so that I can become small and then unlock yourself, I will kick this door in and you will never be able to turn again. And believe me, there is nothing I’d like better than to demonstrate that right now."

The doorknob definitely began to look a bit frightened after Sam issued her ultimatum. Taking a sideways glance at the very large boot planted next to it, the doorknob came to the only sensible decision. "Very well, have it your way," it sniffed. "The bottle is there, next to your right hand."

Sam craned her neck to try and see the area next to her right hand. Ah, there, she thought she saw a small, amber bottle. She carefully moved her hand and with great care picked up the bottle, now just the size of a small vial. With some maneuvering she was able to get her hand and mouth close enough together so that she was able to shake a few drops out of the vial on to her tongue. Once again the room seemed to be spinning and she realized with some relief that she was shrinking.

She quickly set the bottle down as she returned to her pre-biscuit size. Standing, she smoothed down her petticoats and skirt, carefully feeling around to make sure the dreaded bow was still intact. Glancing at her combat boots, she reached down and rubbed off a scuff. Good, they were gleaming once more. With her appearance restored, she approached the door. The doorknob was giving her a haughty look, which she proceeded to ignore as she reached out and gave it a gentle turn. With some reluctance she felt the doorknob give way and the door open.

With a happy sigh, Sam stepped through the door into what appeared to be a wood. She heard the door slam shut behind her. Turning around, she stuck her tongue out at the door, and then set off into the woods to find Daniel.

The woods were actually quite lovely, Sam thought. Trees, lots of trees, but that was always the case wherever they went. There seemed to be some sort of trail, though it obviously wasn’t well traveled. She made her way down the path, glancing about occasionally to see if she could see any sign that Daniel had passed this way. She was glad now that she had her combat boots on instead of Mary Jane’s; the boots were definitely more comfortable for a hike through the woods. As she approached a small clearing and scanned the area looking for Daniel, she thought she heard some noise from behind the bushes off to her left.

Deciding that caution would be wise, she stealthily made her way around the bushes, only to hear some rustling. When she reached the other side of the bushes, nothing was there. She peered around, and thought she saw something, or someone, disappear behind a large rock. Again, she set out to find out who or what had made the noise. She crept around the rock, only to find nothing there as well. Looking about in frustration, she was about to head back to the clearing when she suddenly heard a noise right behind her.

Whirling about quickly she saw the strangest sight, two rotund men, both in full Air Force dress uniform, looking at her expectantly. "It would be the proper procedure to salute a superior officer," said one.

"Yes indeed," the other agreed. "That is if you intend to acknowledge us at all."

Sam stood staring at them in shock for a moment, but then years of practice came to her aid and she brought herself quickly to attention and saluted. "Yes sirs, sorry sirs, it won’t happen again sirs."

"Ah much better, proper procedure indeed," said one of the men.

"Yes I agree, much better indeed," echoed the second.

Sam wasn’t quite sure what she was seeing. She was almost positive that one of the men was Colonel Maybourne and the other Major Samuels. However their nametags said "Tweedledee" and "Tweedledum" respectively.

"Perhaps she would like to see us fight? Would you like to see us fight Major?" The little fat man who looked like Samuels brought up his fists and began circling around the one who looked like Maybourne, making jabbing motions into the air with his clenched hands.

"No, no" said the fat Maybourne Tweedledee. "Perhaps she wants to tell us a why she’s here." He paused for a moment and looked at Sam speculatively. "Yes, I think she wants to tell us that."

"Yes, why are you here? Why are you here?" The Samuels Tweedledum began dancing about.

"Yes, at ease Major, and tell us, what are you doing in these woods?" The Maybourne Tweedledee had spoken, but both men began circling her. "This isn’t a safe place for pretty major’s to be walking about alone."

"Not safe, not safe," chanted the Samuels Tweedledum.

"Perhaps you’re curious Major?" asked the Maybourne Tweedledee.

Sam slowly considered the two men who were watching her. She didn’t trust either of them, yet they seem relatively non-threatening here in these woods. They might even have seen Daniel. Besides, she wasn’t here on official SGC business.

"I’m looking for Daniel," she said. "Perhaps you saw him come this way?"

"Dr. Jackson? Why would Dr. Jackson have come this way Major?" asked Maybourne Tweedledee. "I don’t recall any recent orders for SG teams to be sent to these woods."

"She’s curious, she’s curious," piped in the Samuels Tweedledum.

"Well, you know what happens to those who are curious, don’t you Major?" asked Maybourne Tweedledee.

"Tell her the story, tell her the story," Samuels Tweedledum whined.

"What story? What are you two talking about?" asked Sam. The two men simply giggled at each other. "I swear Maybourne, now I know you never take a day off from being an idiot!" she said in disgust.

"Mind your manners Major," replied Maybourne Tweedledee. "Now sit down, that’s an order. And I’ll tell you the story of ‘The Apple and the Butterfly’, also know as ‘The Curious Worm’."

Sam figured it would be easier to make a get-away from these two if she humored them, so she sat down on a fallen tree trunk. The two men stood at attention in front of her.

"The story," said Samuels Tweedledum, "on with the story of ‘The Apple and the Butterfly’."

With that introduction, Maybourne Tweedledee began to recite:

The orchard stood a-gleaming

In the bright and sunny day.

The trees were loaded full of fruit,

The boughs would dip and sway.

Blooming with Delicious, Gala,

Jonathan and Fuji too.

The orchard was a field of trees

With fancy names from which to choose.

Red and green, delightful gold,

A tinge and blush of pink.

The apples proudly flaunt themselves

Amidst the leafy green they peek.

One summer day amidst the grove,

A curious worm came through.

He worked his way all through the grass,

In search of fruit so sweet and true.

He wound his way along the trunks

To find the fruit most sweet.

The worm did creep; the worm did crawl,

His path grew long and steep.

The worm he did begin to think

With a passing thought most curious

He stopped a golden butterfly,

His tone of one most serious.

"Sweet lady fair, with golden wings,

Pray tell me this I say

How can I move more rapidly

To eat more fruit each day?"

"I know I should have learned this tale,

I promise not to repeat.

A simpler way to cross this galaxy,

Oh lady fair, I ask please tell me sweet."

"Oh handsome worm, I’ll gladly tell

The way to reach your goal.

You simply burrow through the apple

Instead of ‘round about you go."

The worm did pause; the worm did frown,

The worm did grimace and did groan.

"My lady fair, you mean to say,

Through a wormhole I should go?"

"Oh dear sweet worm, you grasp my words full well.

A wormhole will suffice as will this tale I tell.

Remember dear worm that the wormhole is just a metaphor and that the diameter of the apple is just a two dimensional representation of space-time…."

The butterfly did ramble on,

But quickly saw her mistake.

Dear worm’s sad eyes had filled with tears,

Yet he said he’d be "Okay".

He crawled away and left her there,

His head filled with her tales.

His curiosity it seemed would only lead

Down paths he could not avail.

The orchard still stands tall and proud,

The butterfly does flit and fly.

Amidst the apples bright and gay

Brightening up the summer skies.

And dear sweet worm still creeps along

And dreams of tales he’s been told.

Of galaxies and sun-drenched fields

And wormholes through the grove.

Maybourne Tweedledee concluded his recitation with a short bow. Samuels Tweedledum began applauding. Sam simply sat in stunned silence. Wormholes through apples indeed, why she had never heard a more idiotic tale, no wonder poor worm had gotten confused. Samuels Tweedledum started begging for another story. Then he and Maybourne Tweedledee began arguing about what story would be appropriate. Sam quickly pulled herself together and decided that while the two were bickering would be her best opportunity to escape. So while they were still caught up in their argument, she quietly crept away.

Well, that was certainly an interesting experience Sam thought as she continued on her way. She had best be careful as to whom she approached in the future. She wondered if the two of them had been trying to distract her from searching for Daniel. No, she shouldn’t let her imagination carry her away. Those two Tweedles were way too silly to have done anything with Daniel.

Walking on, she came to the end of the forest. Looking out into an open meadow, she saw a house in the distance. She quickly made her way to the house, and just as she opened the gate to go up the walk, Daniel came running out the door.

"Daniel!" she cried. "Where are you going?"

He quickly brushed by her, running down the path towards the garden. "Can’t stop Sam," he shouted out somewhat breathlessly. "I forgot my tie. Can’t be late!" He waved a blue paisley tie at her and then continued to run down the path.

"Daniel wait! Please wait for me!" Sam started running after him.

The path led away from the house and into the most beautiful and gigantic flower garden Sam had ever seen. All the flowers and shrubs towered over her. Momentarily confused, she wondered how that could be, but then remembered the elixir the Apophis doorknob had given her. Of course, she was only a few inches tall, she still must be feeling the effects of drinking the potion she rationalized. Satisfied, she continued on and catching a hint of movement up ahead, thought she saw Daniel disappearing into a thicket of snapdragons. As she set out after him, she found herself thinking that there must be hundreds of different types of flowers in the garden. She wished that she knew the names of more of the flowers. She could identify the more common varieties like daisies, roses, and pansies; but there were so many that she didn’t know! Guess that’s what happens when you’re a science geek she thought. She could recite all the laws of physics, but she couldn’t name more than a handful of garden flowers! The garden seemed almost alive, lush and vibrant with color. Whoa, hold those thoughts Sam, she reasoned disturbed by some vague memory, you don’t want the flowers to start singing, do you?

Looking about, she realized she had completely lost sight of Daniel. The farther she ventured into the garden the denser the foliage became. Just as she began to despair of finding her way out of the garden and locating Daniel again, she heard a voice coming from not too far away. She couldn’t quite make out what the voice said as it recited in a rather gruff, off-key sort of way. As she drew closer, she could see puffs of smoke rising up from what appeared to be a small clearing.

When she finally broke through to the clearing, her senses were immediately overwhelmed by the somewhat sickly, sweet smell of the smoke. The smoke had made the area so hazy she couldn’t get a clear view of the individual. However she could now hear what he was saying.

"Auriga, Cetus, Centaurus, Cancer, Scutum, Eridanus." Between each word there would be a short pause, and what sounded like a deep inhalation, then the voice would continue.

"Eridanus, Scutum, Cancer, Centaurus, Cetus, Auriga."

It took her a moment to realize that the voice was reciting the constellations in Earth’s gate address—frontward and backwards! Remembering her encounter with the Tweedles Maybourne and Samuels, she approached the figure with great caution. The haze seemed to lift the closer she got and she finally saw the speaker.

The most curious sight met her eyes. Sitting on a mushroom that reminded her of some strange sort of dais was General Hammond! Even stranger, he was smoking a hookah, and blowing smoke circles, which acted as an odd sort of punctuation for his recitation. This was most unusual, Sam couldn’t recall that General Hammond smoked. However, given the distinctive odor of the smoke, she was fairly confident it wasn’t pipe tobacco in that hookah.

"Who (puff) are (puff) you?" the General asked.

Coming to attention, Sam saluted and replied, "Major Samantha Carter, sir. At least I’m pretty sure that’s who I am," she added, stifling a small cough. The general puffed smoke right in her face.

"You (puff) are out of uniform, Major. Explain yourself (puff)," the general commanded.

Sam gazed down at her dress and sighed, looking back at the general she said, "I’m not sure if I can sir, and even if I could, you probably wouldn’t believe me." The general continued to stare at her, taking deep drags from the hookah and blowing smoke rings in her direction. "I really haven’t been myself lately, sir," she added as additional explanation.

"If you haven’t (puff) been yourself—then who (puff) are (puff) you?" repeated the general.

"Major Samantha Carter, sir," Sam once more replied. When his only response was to continue puffing on the hookah she mumbled, "Oh, what’s the use?" Then speaking more loudly, she asked, "Permission to speak freely sir?"

The general nodded in the affirmative between blowing smoke rings.

"No one seems to be themselves in this place, sir. The doorknob Apophis, Colonel Maybourne, Major Samuels, and even you." She sighed, "Daniel hasn’t even been acting like himself. Following him here is what got me into this mess in the first place." Sam studied the general closely; he looked more bored than interested in anything she had just said. She watched with mounting irritation as he took another drag on the hookah and blew several more smoke rings in her direction.

"Recite (puff)," the general suddenly commanded.

"I beg your pardon, sir?"

"Recite (puff), and do it correctly Major."

Sam was totally confused now; she wasn’t sure what the general wanted her to recite. Air Force fraternization regulations? The Pledge of Allegiance? Her name, rank and serial number?

"Get (puff) on with it, Major."

"Yes, sir!" Coming to a quick decision, Sam began, "Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle: ‘The more accurately a particle’s momentum is measured and known, the less accuracy there can be in the measurement and knowledge of its position’ sir."

"That is not correct (puff) Major."

"Not correct, sir? With all due respect sir, I believe I know Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle." Things were definitely not making sense if General Hammond thought he could correct her on physics Sam thought.

"How can you be certain (puff) about uncertainty (puff)?" came his puzzling reply.

"Certain about uncertainty? Begging your pardon sir, but you’re not making any sense."

"No Major, (puff) you aren’t making sense."

Sam had almost had it, with this now on top of everything else that had already transpired. She couldn’t believe that the general thought he could tell her she didn’t make any sense when it was obvious he was the one who didn’t make sense. Oh bother why had all this happened to her anyway? Trying to hold her fraying temper together, she began stating the uncertainty principle again when the general interrupted.

"Be quiet (puff), I have something (puff) important to tell you."

At last, Sam thought, some useful information. Maybe he had seen Daniel. "Yes, sir, what is it?"

"Keep (puff) your temper, Major."

She almost screamed in frustration. "Is that all?" she demanded, adding "Sir" after a long pause.

"What is (puff) your problem (puff) exactly, Major?" With the last puff he blew a huge smoke ring at her.

The smoke blew right into her face, and she began coughing, her eyes starting to water. Once she caught her breath she retorted, "My problem? What’s my problem? Well, one of my many problems sir, is that I’m only three inches tall." She was probably going to be reprimanded for speaking to a superior officer in such a disrespectful tone of voice, but right now she just was too annoyed to care.

"And (puff) what is wrong with (puff) being three inches tall (puff)?" With that indignant reply, the general stood up and Sam could see they were the same height.

She was really in trouble now. "Begging your pardon, sir, I meant no disrespect. Now if you’ll excuse me sir, I’ll get on with my mission." Sam had begun slowly backing away from the mushroom dais as she spoke.

The general began puffing furiously on the hookah, filling his lungs with the smoke and then exhaling just as rapidly. As she continued to cautiously back away, she could barely see him as he became wreathed in smoke. He called after her, "Wait, (puff) I have some more helpful (puff) hints."

He was completely surrounded by the smoke now. "What hints, sir?" she asked as she tried to make him out in the all the haze.

"One side makes you taller, the other side makes you smaller," came his enigmatic response.

Looking about, Sam couldn’t imagine to what he referred. "One side of what?" she asked a bit more frantically. She could barely see him; the smoke was so thick around him.

"Why, the mushroom, of course," came his reply, and with that he completely disappeared from view.

Sam looked around, and realized she had backed up into a mushroom. So, she thought, the general said one side will make me smaller and one side will make me larger. She turned and faced the mushroom cap stretching her arms out wide. Grasping the cap on what appeared to be opposite sides, she tore off a piece of it with each hand. She took a quick sniff of each piece and decided it smelled all right. Now, which side was the side that would make her larger? She knew there was a catch to this, and she wasn’t going to get caught up again in being smaller then larger and then smaller again.

The odds were 50/50 that she would make the correct choice. Taking a deep breath, she brought the piece in her right hand up to her face and closing her eyes, she delicately licked the mushroom. Yuck, not exactly the best tasting mushroom, but she quickly felt the now-familiar sensation of growing in size. When it seemed that she had stopped growing, she opened her eyes and was pleased to see that she was the correct height. Good, she thought, now I can get on with finding Daniel. Realizing she still held the bits of mushroom in her hands, she decided against saving them and threw them down. She was sick and tired of changing her height.

She began walking again, and soon came to a crossroads. She wasn’t at all sure which way she should go. As she considered her choices, she thought she could hear someone singing. She heard a surprisingly nice baritone singing, of all things, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". She had a momentary feeling of deja’ vu, but quickly dismissed it. She started down the path that would lead her to whoever was doing the singing.

The sound of the singing grew louder, but Sam still couldn’t see who it was. As she surveyed the area, out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of something gleaming. Looking more carefully, she saw a brilliant, white smile. As she focused on the smile, suddenly the rest of the figure came into view—it was Teal’c!

Running up to him she exclaimed, "Oh Teal’c, I am so glad to see you!" Throwing her arms around him, she gave him a fierce hug.

As she dropped her arms, he flashed her the same brilliant smile saying, "I am also pleased to see you, Major Carter." He then began walking away from her.

"Wait, Teal’c, don’t leave me here," she called, reaching out to grab his arm. "I don’t know which way to go"

He paused, turned back to her and asked, "Where do you wish to go, Major Carter?"

Sam thought for a moment. "Well, I’m not exactly sure," she said, dropping her hand from his arm.

"Then it does not matter which way you go." Still smiling, he turned as if he were going to walk away.

She was beginning to feel desperate and pretty darn tired of that shit-ass grin too. Since when did Teal’c smile so much? "Please Teal’c," she pleaded. "I’m looking for Daniel, have you seen him?"

"You are looking for Daniel Jackson?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "He may have come this way." She repeated her previous question. "Have you seen him?"

He seemed to consider her question for a moment, and still wearing that same shit-eating smile told her, "If I were looking for Daniel Jackson, I think I would ask the Mad Colonel."

"The Mad Colonel?" Sam asked rather hesitantly, remembering all too clearly her encounter with the Tweedles Maybourne and Samuels.

"Yes, the Mad Colonel, or you could ask Martouf, but he is mad as well."

"Teal’c, I’m not sure I want to go among anymore mad people. I think I’ve had enough of that type for one day," Sam replied feeling somewhat disheartened. Teal’c couldn’t even help her!

"Oh, you will not be able to help it Major Carter, for most everyone here is mad." He still grinned like a hyena. "You may have noticed, that I am not all here myself…." With that, he slowly began to fade away until the only thing left was his smile, and then that disappeared too.

Well, of the all the curious things, Sam thought. Teal’c had been absolutely no help whatsoever. Sure, he told her she could ask the "Mad Colonel", whoever he was, but of course he had neglected to tell her where she could find him. And Martouf? She had no idea what planet the Tok’ra resistance was on right now, but she was pretty positive it wasn’t this one. Whatever would she do? Seeing no other good alternative, she started down the path Teal’c had been on when he disappeared.

In no time at all the path Sam followed led into a clearing where she could see a cottage. There didn’t seem to be any activity at the front of the cottage, but she could hear lively music and singing coming from around back. How very odd, she thought. Keeping in mind her previous encounters, she carefully made her way to the back of the cottage.

When she reached the backyard, a most curious sight met her eyes. In the middle of the yard, a long table had been set up and covered with a white linen cloth. She counted at least 18 chairs of differing shapes and sizes set up around the table, which was loaded down with cups, saucers, sugar bowls, creamers and teapots of varying shapes, sizes and colors. There were even several trays filled with pieces of pie and bowls of Jell-O. Oh yum, she thought, spotting some blue Jell-O. Somebody here obviously has good taste. Sitting at the far end of the table she could see three people. As she drew closer, it became apparent that only two of the individuals were actually sitting, the third was slumped over the table and appeared to be sound asleep.

Smiling with delight, Sam realized the three people at the table were Colonel O’Neill, Martouf and Lieutenant Simmons (who snored quietly). The Colonel and Martouf hadn’t seen her yet, as they were involved in vigorously singing a song that Sam found vaguely familiar.

The Colonel sang in a slightly off-key tenor, "A very merry unbirthday to me, to me."

"A very merry unbirthday to you, to you," warbled Martouf next, in a very annoying falsetto. Sam thought he should have let Lantesh sing, at least then it might have been a tolerable bass.

They both took up the song then, "And now congratulate us with another cup of tea." Raising their teacups, they clinked them together, sloshing tea about in the process.

With Martouf finishing, "A very merry unbirthday to you." He held the ‘to’ so long, that his falsetto finally quivered and cracked, bringing about a less-than-attractive ending to the song Sam thought.

Both men began clapping and congratulating each other with great enthusiasm. The music continued to blare in the background and looking around Sam saw a portable CD player sitting under a tree. She had always wondered where the music came from in situations like this….

Colonel O’Neill was sitting at the end of the table, with Martouf immediately to his left and Simmons snoring away next to Martouf. Sam came and sat down on the Colonel’s right. Both men looked at her in surprise. The Colonel spoke first, "Major, you haven’t been invited to sit yet."

Sam jumped up immediately, "Sorry sir, permission to sit, sir?" She thought the Colonel had acted more formally than necessary, but then she remembered Teal’c’s comments about the "Mad Colonel". She decided to proceed cautiously.

"O’Neill, do not be such a soldier," Martouf chided the other man. "Please Samantha, have a seat." Martouf then graciously stood and walking around the table pulled out the chair for Sam. As he seated her he asked kindly, "Would you like a cup of tea?"

Jack frowned at him.

"Oh, that would be ever so nice," she replied with a glare at the Colonel. Turning back to Martouf she said, "I’ve been walking for what seems like hours."

Martouf busied himself with finding a full teapot. Sam looked around the table taking in all the festive decorations and thought that maybe she should apologize to the Colonel, so she said, "I’m sorry if I’ve interrupted your birthday party sir."

"Oh, it’s not my birthday Carter, it’s my unbirthday," he replied with a grin.

"Mine too," piped in Martouf, who still hadn’t found any tea for Sam.

"Your unbirthday? I’m sorry sir, what’s an unbirthday?"

"Marty, did you hear that?" Jack chuckled. "Our Major doesn’t know what an unbirthday is." He looked at Sam in some amazement. Leaning closer to her he drawled, "Now let me see if I’ve got this straight, I know something that you don’t know."

Sam had the grace to look embarrassed. "I guess you do sir," she replied meekly.

"Well, let me explain it to you then Carter." He sat back in his chair, looking very smug. "It is a statistical fact that everyone has one birthday every year. You would agree?"

She nodded.

"So, it is also a statistical fact that there are 364 other days in a year that are not your birthday. You would also agree with this Major?" Jack asked in a rather condescending tone.

Sam again agreed. She wished he would get to the point, because she was growing mighty tired of that smug expression.

"Well then Major, I should think it would be perfectly clear to someone as smart as yourself, that the other 364 days are your unbirthdays!" With that he suddenly began singing (with considerably more exuberance than talent).

"A very merry unbirthday to you, to you." He jumped up from his chair, and grabbing Sam by both her hands, pulled her from her chair and started dancing her around the table.

"A very merry unbirthday to you, to you." She started laughing and singing along, caught up in the moment. He danced her around the table, swinging her about. The multitude of petticoats she wore gave her skirt extra momentum and it swished delightfully about both of them as they danced. When they reached the head of the table again, the Colonel whirled her back around to her chair. At that precise moment, Martouf suddenly appeared with a pumpkin pie that had a large candle stuck in the middle.

Placing it in front of her they both sang, "Now blow the candle out my dear and make your wish come true." While they were holding the "true" Sam looked longingly at the Colonel, then closing her eyes she quickly made her wish, blowing the candle out.

Finishing with a loud flourish the two men sang, "A very merry unbirthday to you!"

They all collapsed back into their chairs laughing, the Colonel and Martouf again wishing Sam a very merry unbirthday. During all the excitement Martouf had finally found a full pot of tea. When they had all calmed down somewhat, he gestured to Sam who held out her cup to him. Just as he began to pour, Simmons suddenly woke and began shouting, "Clean cup! Clean cup!"

The three men instantly jumped up from their chairs yelling and shouting at each other. Martouf threw the teapot aside and the Colonel hauled Sam up out of her chair pushing and shoving her until they were all seated four places down from their previous spots.

Sam sat in her chair looking at the three men in stunned silence. Simmons immediately put his head down on his plate and fell back asleep (if his snoring was any indication). The Colonel had grabbed a sugar bowl and busily began dropping sugar cubes into all the cups he could reach. Martouf reached for the nearest teapot and asked her, "Would you like more tea?"

Feeling a bit put out by what had just happened, Sam replied tartly; "It will be difficult for me to have more tea when I have yet to have any."

"Now, now Major," the Colonel began, but whatever he was going to say was interrupted by a sudden noise from the back of the cottage.

Looking over to see the cause of the disturbance, Sam could barely contain her delight upon seeing Daniel coming towards them. She jumped up from her chair and ran to him exclaiming, "Daniel, Daniel, I’m so glad I finally found you!" Throwing her arms about him, she hugged him close.

By then, both Martouf and Jack had joined them, Martouf commenting to Daniel that it was nice to see him again. Jack pulled Sam free of Daniel’s embrace and started pounding him heartily on the back, saying something about long time, no see.

Daniel didn’t seem as thrilled to see them as they were to see him. In fact, he was still obsessing over the time. "Sorry guys, but I’m late for a very important date." He pulled the pocket watch out of the ALICE vest watch pocket, flipped open the cover and peered at it closely.

"Hey," Jack said, "Let me see that." With that, he snatched the watch out of Daniel’s hand.

"No Jack, careful!" Daniel cried, trying to grab the watch back from Jack.

Jack casually fended Daniel off, and began studying the face of the watch. "I see what the problem is Daniel, this watch is two days slow."

Martouf was peering at the watch over Jack’s shoulder, "Are you positive O’Neill?"

"Yeah, Marty, if there’s one thing I know, it’s watches." Turning to Daniel, who anxiously observed the interaction, he said, "Don’t worry Danny-boy, I can fix this watch as good as new."

"But Jack, I really don’t have time for this right now, I need to leave. I’m already late." Daniel pleaded with his friend, but to no avail.

"How do you know you’re late Daniel? This watch isn’t even close to telling the proper time." With that said, Jack cleared off a space on the table by pushing several cups and saucers onto the ground. He set the watch face down on the table and unsheathing his M9 bayonet/knife, calmly proceeded to pry the back of the watch off.

At the terrified look on Daniel’s face, Sam knew she had to say something. "Sir, are you sure you know what you’re doing?"

"What’s the matter Carter? Don’t you and Daniel trust me?" Jack didn’t look up from the watch as he spoke. He surveyed the sprockets, springs and wheels that were now visible and taking the tip of the knife proceeded to pop out several important looking pieces.

Daniel whimpered. Martouf patted his arm. "Do not worry Dr. Jackson, I have seen Colonel O’Neill perform this operation many times."

Sam could only stare in horrified amazement as Jack proceeded to disembowel Daniel’s watch. Most of the watch’s guts soon lay scattered about the table, but she knew some of them had to have fallen onto the ground. What on earth did the Colonel think he was doing? Her thoughts were momentarily interrupted when Jack spoke. "Oil," he said, holding out his hand.

Martouf quickly put a small can of WD-40 into his outstretched hand. Jack proceeded to liberally douse the interior of the watch with the lubricant. Well, at least they hadn’t used the butter off the table Sam thought.

With that accomplished, the Colonel proceeded to haphazardly place the numerous workings back into the watchcase. Daniel moaned. When not all the parts would fit back in, Jack declared they had been the cause of the problem in the first place and swept them off the table. Martouf nodded in agreement. Daniel looked like he could pass out at any minute.

Taking the back cover, Jack carefully laid it over the now destroyed inner workings of the watch. Then using the butt of his knife he hammered the cover back in place. By this time Daniel had his eyes closed and could only flinch each time he heard the knife hit the watch.

Jack picked up the watch and turning it over began winding the stem. When it wouldn’t turn anymore he said to Daniel, "There, good as new. I told you I could fix it." With a cocky grin he placed the watch into Daniel’s hand where it proceeded to fall into a million pieces.

They were all momentarily frozen in place as they gazed at the ruined watch. Jack found his voice first, "Ah, like I said Daniel, two days slow." He started slowly backing away from the other man.

Daniel looked up from the watch, tipping his hand and letting the remnants of his once beautiful pocket watch fall on to the table. He had a look of grim determination on his face. "Jack, that watch was an unbirthday present."

He began to advance on Jack even as the other man continued to back away. Martouf tried to make himself invisible at the other end of the table. Sam looked on at the unfolding scene in morbid fascination. "Now Daniel," she heard Jack say with just a hint of pleading in his voice. Holding out his hands towards Daniel, palms up, he implored, "You know how I am with those kinds of things."

Sam readied herself to step between the two men if the situation escalated any further, but was saved from having to take action when Daniel suddenly exclaimed, "What am I doing? I’m already so late!" Gathering up the bits of his watch, he stuffed them in one of his vest pockets. Turning to Jack he said, "We’ll finish this discussion later Jack. Lucky for you, I’m late."

With that said, Daniel took off running out through the back garden gate. Sam turned to the Colonel, "Now look what you’ve done. He’s run off again, I’m never going to find out where he’s going or what he’s doing!"

"Ah Sam." He gave her his most pleading look, "Trust me, he’ll get over it." Taking her arm he said, "Come on back over here and sit down, we’ll have some more tea."

Pulling her arm out of his grasp, she retorted, "I’ve already told you, I can’t have any more tea when I haven’t had any to begin with! Why, this is the silliest party ever." With that she stomped off after Daniel.

Martouf came and stood next to Jack as Sam walked away. "She is angry with you O’Neill," she heard Martouf say.

"Ya’ think?"

 

Sam took one look back at the two men as she left the yard. They sat at the table again, looking quite chummy and drinking tea. She felt more than a little confused, she had thought that the Colonel only tolerated Martouf, and yet here they were acting like best pals. She shook her head; nothing made any sense around here. Oh well, she had better get on with finding Daniel. She followed the path that led from the cottage into the woods, figuring Daniel must have done the same.

This area of the woods seemed somewhat more ominous than the part she had been in before, the trees were closer together, the underbrush thick and heavy. She quickly lost sight of the cottage and Daniel was nowhere to be seen. She saw a signpost up ahead, tacked to one of the trees. As she got closer she could see it read "Edora Woods". Oh great Sam thought, really great, just what I want to be reminded of—one of the most painful times of my life. With some trepidation she continued on the path which led into the dim, gloomy interior of the Edora Woods.

The path twisted and turned among the big trees. It was strangely quiet; she couldn’t hear any birds or the normal rustlings of any other woodland creatures. The air had a dank odor to it, as if the whole area was decaying. The deeper she went, the darker it became, the tree canopy almost completely blocking the light. She had the feeling it had been a mistake to come here, maybe Daniel hadn’t come this way after all. The path wound around on itself several more times and Sam found herself at a crossroads. The path branched off into several different directions, none of which looked inviting.

While trying to decide which way to go, she sat down on an old tree trunk that had conveniently fallen by the side of the path. Adjusting her skirts about her, she began thinking about all that had happened to bring her to this place. If only Daniel would stay in one place long enough for her to get some answers out of him. Oh, why couldn’t he be more sensible? She was never going to find him now and if she couldn’t find him—how could she ever hope to get home? She should never have followed him through the Stargate in the first place. She should have informed General Hammond and Colonel O’Neill of his actions, and then they could have followed proper military procedure.

Even more importantly, why hadn’t she listened to herself and not gone through the gate after him? Normally she gave herself fairly sound advice and normally she followed it. Yeah, sure, right Sam, she thought. That’s why you’re doing such a good job of not being in love with your commanding officer. Janet had figured it out and she knew Daniel was suspicious. She hadn’t done a very good job of hiding her feelings the day they had rescued the Colonel from Edora. She was a mess and whatever would she do? She couldn’t find Daniel, everyone she encountered here wouldn’t or couldn’t help her, she was in love with her CO, and nothing made sense. She was the one stranded now, she thought with a sob.

Just as she settled in to have a good cry, she felt a hand on her shoulder. With a startled yelp, she jumped up quickly and assumed a defensive stance, readying to protect herself. When she saw who stood there she immediately relaxed, it was only Teal’c. He smiled at her and asked, "What is the matter, Major Carter?"

Using the hem of her pinafore to dry her eyes, Sam answered him in a voice that quivered slightly, "I just want to go back to the SGC Teal’c, but I can’t find my way."

He continued to grin at her. "Your way? Here there is no ‘your’ way," he told her gently, "for all ways are the Queen’s ways."

Sam looked up from drying her eyes and glared at him. "Teal’c, I really don’t want to talk in riddles anymore. I just want to go home."

"You no longer wish to find Daniel Jackson?"

"No, I mean, yes, I want to find Daniel." She twisted the skirt of the pinafore in her hands. "I’m just so tired, and no one will help me, not even Colonel O’Neill." Good grief, she thought, you’re practically whining—suck it up Sam.

"Then perhaps you should ask the Queen," he told her, still with the same stupid grin on his face. Sam found herself considering his suggestion. She wasn’t sure she liked the sound of this Queen (just a bit too Goa’uld-ish for her taste), but maybe she could get some information that would help her find Daniel and return home. Taking a deep breath, she made her decision.

"Okay Teal’c, how do I find this Queen?"

"You could go that way," he indicated the path to his right, "but it would take several days to reach her palace. Or you could go the other way," this time he pointed to the left, "But again it would be a journey of many days."

Sam could feel herself getting just a bit frustrated. "All right Teal’c, I get the picture. Just tell me the easiest way to reach the Queen."

"I myself," he continued as if she hadn’t spoken, "prefer to take the shortcut." As soon as he finished speaking, Sam heard the familiar sound of transport rings activating. Before she had time to react, the rings surrounded her, and Teal’c (along with his annoying smile) disappeared from view.

When the transport rings deposited Sam and whooshed out of sight, she found herself surrounded on three sides by a tall hedgerow. The hedges were well manicured, so she knew it must be a garden. She hoped it was the Queen’s garden. Since there seemed to be only one way she could go, she started out. She soon realized it was a maze, and fortunately the hedges seemed to be guiding her in one direction. She fervently hoped it was the direction that would lead her to the Queen. Though why she would think that would be the case after all that had happened so far, she didn’t know. Oh well, she thought, like the Colonel always says, "Never give up."

After walking for what seemed an inordinately long time, the maze finally opened out into a huge rose garden. Sam looked around in amazement, there had to be hundreds of roses, most of them red, but with a few splashes of white here and there. She breathed in the heady fragrance of the roses; the sweet scent so strong it almost overwhelmed everything else. She could hear the high-pitched drone of bees as they made their way in and out of the blossoms. The very air was full of scents and sounds. As she surveyed the garden, trying to decide if there was any sort of path, she thought she heard some voices. It was hard to be sure above all the other sounds, but yes, she could hear people whispering.

It sounded like the murmuring was coming from behind a particularly dense planting of the roses. Sam cautiously peered around the bushes, and saw the members of SG-11. The four men were crouched down behind the roses, as if they were hiding. "Tucker," she said, getting the attention of the team leader, "what are you guys doing here?"

Startled, Major Tucker looked up at Sam, then quickly grabbed her hand, pulling her down next to him. "Quiet Major, we don’t want her to know where we are!" The other three nodded their heads in agreement.

"You don’t want who to know?" she asked, thoroughly confused and a little uncomfortable. Don’t these guys know how hard it is to crouch in the dirt in a dress? Her white tights were going to be a mess.

"Why, the Queen of course," Captain Hampton replied. "If she finds out where we are and that we skipped our post-mission physicals, well, it’s off with our heads." He shuddered then, but whether it was from the thought of losing his head or having the physical, Sam couldn’t tell.

"Yeah," Lieutenant Osborne added, "Have you seen the size of those new needles she has?" The poor man looked positively green. Sergeant Meyers nodded in miserable agreement.

"Guys, I’m just a little confused here," Sam said. "I mean, the physicals aren’t all that bad."

The four men all began talking at once and wildly gesturing with their hands, she couldn’t make out all the words, but the message was pretty clear. Whatever happened at those physicals was to be avoided at all costs. Suddenly Tucker held up his hand, calling for quiet. "Did you hear that?"

"What? What did you hear Major?" Osborne asked, fear evident in his quivering voice.

"It’s the Queen’s guard! They’re coming for us!" Tucker shouted, losing all control, in such a panic at the thought.

They four men jumped up from behind the rose bushes and ran out into the garden proper. Sam followed, brushing the dirt and grass off her skirt and pinafore. Bother, she thought, as she felt around for the bow (which was still intact, thank goodness). As she joined the men, the most incredible sight met her eyes. Marching towards them had to be at least one hundred nurses and corpsmen all dressed in blinding white with large red crosses on the fronts of their tunics. It looked like it had to be the entire medical staff of the SGC and the Academy Hospital. As Sam stood in shocked silence watching the procession a trumpet fanfare suddenly sounded, and from out of the midst of the group came Daniel!

Oh no, Sam thought looking at him, why does he dress that like? He wasn’t in his fatigues anymore, but wore that awful old tweed sports coat with a blue shirt and the blue paisley tie he had shown her earlier. Didn’t he own any other jackets she wondered? While she despaired over his lack of fashion sense, he stopped in front of their small group. Sam looked around for SG-11; they all hovered behind her, hanging onto her skirt, with varying looks of resignation and despair on their faces.

Daniel assumed a stance that Sam surmised was suppose to be attention, and announced, "Her Imperial Highness, Her Excellency, Her Royal Majesty, Queen Janet of the Infirmary." All the nurses and corpsmen bowed as Dr. Janet Fraiser came into view and stood next to Daniel. She offered him her hand, which he kissed, while bowing low.

"Thank you Dr. Jackson," Janet replied, her voice very proper and haughty.

Sam could only marvel at her friend. She was dressed all in red, from the coronet of roses in her hair to the tips of her shoes, just visible under her long skirts. The dress itself looked like it could belong to a fairy tale princess, all varying shades of red tulle and lace with sequins and rhinestones glittering in the bright sunlight. Around her neck, her only adornment a stethoscope with red tubing.

When Daniel released her hand, Janet looked at him and said somewhat imperiously, "Well?"

"Ah, yes, Your Majesty." Clearing his throat a trifle nervously Daniel continued, "SG-11, Your Grace."

Turning to look at Sam and the members of SG-11 still huddled around her Queen Janet commanded, "You did not report for your post-mission physicals. Explain yourselves."

Sam stepped aside as Major Tucker and the rest of his team came to attention. "Yes ma’am, we’re sorry ma’am. We won’t let it happen again, Your Majesty." Sam thought Tucker looked like he’d rather face a dozen Goa’uld than the Queen.

"You are correct in thinking that it will not happen again Major," the Queen replied. "Off with their heads!"

Tucker and his team simply stood there, heads bowed, as several corpsmen came forward. Sam couldn’t believe it, why was Janet doing this? "Wait," she cried before they were led off, "you can’t do this!"

The entire assembly became utterly silent. SG-11 looked even more distressed, if that was possible. Daniel gazed at Sam in horror, shaking his head as if trying to warn her. The entire group seemed to hold its collective breath as the Queen turned to Sam.

"And who are you?" she demanded. "Besides someone of low-breeding and no manners."

Sam quickly analyzed the situation; she had obviously made a tactical error. As Queen and Chief Medical Officer of the SGC, Janet wielded considerable power. And she remembered what Teal’c had told her, that most everyone here is mad. Perhaps she had better play along.

"Well," said Queen Janet, tapping her foot impatiently. "I am waiting. And it is not healthy to keep the Queen waiting."

"Ah, yes, sorry," Sam replied.

"Curtsey when you address me and always say ‘Your Majesty’," Janet commanded.

Curtsey? Sam didn’t think she had ever curtseyed in her life, but she tried, holding out her skirt while bowing and dipping low. She wobbled a bit, but managed to bring herself back upright, "Yes, Your Majesty."

"That’s better. Now, explain yourself. I grow weary of waiting." The assembled group began to shift nervously.

"Well, you see, Your Majesty," began Sam. Queen Janet smiled in approval. "My name is Samantha Carter and I was simply trying to find Daniel here," nodding towards the archaeologist, "and then find my way home."

"Your way! Your way!" Queen Janet spluttered, her face becoming almost as red as her dress. "The only way here is my way!" she shouted at Sam. The crowd began to murmur restlessly.

Sam looked at Daniel imploringly.

"Ah, Your Majesty," Daniel began in a placating tone of voice. "I’m sure she meant to say she was simply looking for the way home." He looked over at Sam, "Isn’t that right?"

Taking his cue, Sam replied, "Yes, Your Majesty, that’s what I meant to say."

Queen Janet studied Sam carefully. "Very well, I accept your apology." With that, the crowd visibly relaxed. "However, in the future, remember that I am the Queen and all ways are my way."

Sam made a small curtsey and said, "Yes, Your Majesty."

"Very well then," Queen Janet turned to the corpsmen holding SG-11 and said, "Off with their heads!"

The corpsmen began dragging the reluctant members of SG-11 off through the garden. Sam looked imploringly at Daniel again, he came to her side and whispered, "Don’t worry Sam, the corpsmen will only make sure they get their physicals. If we beheaded someone every time she decreed it, there wouldn’t be anyone left."

Queen Janet turned back from watching SG-11 to see Sam and Daniel standing close together. Raising an imperious eyebrow at Daniel, he quickly left Sam and came to stand at Janet’s side. "That’s better, my darling," she told him. Daniel sent Sam an apologetic look.

The Queen brought her attention once more to Sam. "Now, just exactly what is it that you want?" she asked, looking decidedly down her nose at the other woman.

"I only wanted to ask," Sam began but was interrupted.

"I’ll ask the questions," Queen Janet instructed. "Do you play croquet?" she proceeded to inquire with a sly smile.

Croquet? Of all the questions she could have expected, this wasn’t one of them. "Well, not really," she began, "I think I’ve…"

Only to be interrupted by Janet, who proclaimed, "Let the game begin!"

Before the last word of Queen Janet’s proclamation finished echoing about the assembled company, they all sprang into action. Daniel began shouting directions and waving his arms about. A large expanse of the lawn was soon cleared, and Sam looked on in amazement as a group of corpsmen quickly set up the hoops and pegs for a regulation croquet match. As she watched, two of the nurses came running up with the mallets and balls, setting them in front of the Queen and Daniel. Thank goodness they were the usual wooden croquet mallets, Sam had the uneasy feeling that it could have been much worse….

Daniel placed the balls at the beginning of the course and turned to the Queen saying, "Your Majesty, which color do you prefer?"

Janet swept past him and grabbing the mallet he held out for her said, "You know I always have the red and yellow balls." She took several practice swings, which had the nurses and corpsmen that were close by ducking for cover as she came precariously close to hitting them.

Daniel turned to Sam; "I guess that leaves you with the blue and black balls."

Sam went over to make her mallet selection. Glancing at the mallet in Janet’s hands and then back at the assortment left for her she realized that Janet had the only good mallet. All the ones left were either warped or cracked. Oh well, it wasn’t like she could really play croquet, but she had at least wanted a fighting chance.

"So Daniel," Sam said after she picked the least warped mallet and took a few practice swings, "Do we flip a coin to see who goes first?"

Janet turned and glared at her. "Ah, no Sam," he murmured, "Queen Janet always goes first."

With that Janet took her place at the beginning of the course and closing her eyes, swung her mallet. Sam watched in disbelief as the ball started rolling even though the mallet had come no where close to hitting it! The ball continued to move at a steady speed and ran the first two hoops before coming to rest. The crowd cheered wildly! Queen Janet smiled broadly and acknowledged the cheering of the crowd with a small wave of her hand; looking very pleased she walked over to hit the ball again.

How were they doing it Sam wondered? Janet had missed the ball by a mile! She scanned the crowd while Janet again took aim. There, standing off to one side Sam saw Sergeant Siler, and he held a device that looked similar to the remotes they used to maneuver the MALPs. As she watched, Janet took her swing and the ball started magically rolling. Only this time Sam could see Siler moving the joystick on the control pad, making sure the ball ran the hoops. The whole game was a set-up! She wondered if Janet knew or if her subjects had done it to ensure keeping her in a good humor.

The crowd again began cheering wildly, the ball rolling gracefully towards the next hoop when suddenly its path became erratic. Sam looked over at Siler, who furiously worked the controls, but by the look on his face she knew something was wrong. The crowd became silent and watched as the ball slowly came to a halt before running the hoop.

Daniel looked sick, he glanced worriedly at Sam and then trotted over to Janet. She waved him off with a grim smile. "You’re next, Samantha," she said with a graciousness that was belied by her smile.

Sam nodded and stepped up to the start of the course. Taking a few practice swings with her warped mallet, she thought she had figured out the proper amount of torque to use with her swing to get a good shot. Taking careful aim and keeping her eye on the ball, she drew back and heard a satisfying crack as the mallet made contact with the ball.

There was a huge gasp from the crowd as her ball took off, but it soon changed to collective sigh of relief as the ball left its perfect trajectory and sliced wide to the right. Sam looked at her ball in disbelief. What the hell happened she thought? Looking quickly over towards Siler she saw he still had a remote in his hands. She turned to Daniel; he merely shrugged his shoulders and whispered, "All ways are the Queen’s ways."

Well, Sam decided, she should have figured that one out herself. If the balls were rigged so the Queen made perfect shots, she should have known hers would also be rigged. She stood and watched rather disgustedly as Janet prepared to take her next shot. Her Majesty was making quite a production of lining up the shot, as if it really mattered Sam thought sourly. The Queen made a great show of studying the angle of the ball to the hoops, all the while swinging her hips so that her skirts swished about enticingly. Rather appalled with Janet’s behavior, it took a moment for Sam to realize Teal’c was suddenly standing beside her.

"Teal’c, what are you doing here?" she asked, surprised to find him at the match.

"I have come to watch you and the Queen play croquet. These matches can be quite amusing." He still had that same shit-eating grin on his face, and Sam found herself becoming somewhat apprehensive as he continued, "Especially if she loses her temper."

"Ah, Teal’c," Sam cautioned, thinking about poor SG-11. "I don’t think we really want to see the Queen lose her temper."

As they finished talking, Janet concluded her little show and prepared to swing. Sam turned to watch and suddenly realized that Teal’c had inched his way closer to Janet—and he had her croquet mallet in his hand! Janet drew back to swing and Teal’c, reaching forward with the broad end of the mallet, gave her a gentle push on the butt. Off balance from her vigorous upstroke, Janet fell into an ignominious heap on the ground, her ball neatly rolling away of its own accord towards the next hoop.

The crowd went into a frenzy. Janet was sprawled face first on the grass. Her coronet was askew and the skirts of her dress were all in disarray. Curious Sam thought as she gazed at the flailing woman, she never would have pictured Janet as the stocking and garters type. Daniel ran over to her shouting, "Help the Queen! Help the Queen!" Several dozen corpsmen quickly came running and stood around Janet, forming a protective barricade. From inside the circle Sam could hear Daniel’s soft murmuring punctuated by cursing from Janet. She could also hear Teal’c’s laughter, and apparently so could Janet.

"Someone’s head will roll for this!" she shouted as she emerged from behind the corpsmen. Daniel was beside her, talking softly as he helped to rearrange her skirts. Shaking him off, she advanced towards Sam, all the while unsuccessfully trying to reposition her coronet.

Queen Janet, her coronet now dipping dangerously low over one eye, stopped in front of Sam, and drawing herself up to her full height commanded, "Off with her head!"

"No, wait Your Majesty," Sam pleaded. "It wasn’t me, it was Teal’c." Realizing she was somehow once again holding her croquet mallet, she quickly tried to hide it behind her back. That was when she also realized Teal’c was no where to be seen. Sam sent a pleading look to Daniel.

"Ah, Your Grace," Daniel began in a soothing voice, "Perhaps we could have a trial."

Queen Janet looked at him thoughtfully, tugging on her coronet. "A trial, you say?"

"Yes, with witnesses, a jury, and everything." Janet looked somewhat intrigued by the idea. Daniel smiled at Sam encouragingly.

Sam nodded her head in agreement. Even after what Daniel had told her about what would actually happen to SG-11 she still wasn’t sure that she wanted to find out what transpired when you were taken away to be "beheaded".

"Very well, let the trial begin!" Queen Janet proclaimed, yanking her bedraggled coronet into place.

The instant the words left Queen Janet’s mouth, the whole area where the now infamous croquet match had occurred transformed into a courtroom. And not your usual courtroom, it rather reminded Sam of courtroom scenes from British TV shows she had seen on PBS. Janet was sitting high above the rest of the room behind a large and somewhat imposing judge’s bench. To her left was the witness box, located at a level lower than the bench. Sam stood in the mid-section of the courtroom in a stall that was elevated and enclosed on all sides. Must be where they keep the accused, she thought glumly. Two SF guards stood on either side of the stall, facing towards the bench. Off to her right was what she surmised to be the jury box, and it was filled with an odd assortment of people. There were some familiar faces that she recognized from the SGC, and even an alien or two. Good grief, was that Narim? She quickly averted her gaze before they made eye contact, not wanting him to get any ideas. Oh well, as seemed to be usual for this place, nothing made sense. As Sam stood there surveying the whole scene, Queen Janet began pounding her gavel.

"Dr. Jackson," she called imperiously to the archaeologist, who had been conferring with Siler behind where Sam stood. "What are the charges against this woman?" She indicated Sam with a careless wave of her gavel.

Daniel came and stood on the platform immediately to Sam’s right and after unrolling a scroll began reading. "Yes, well, um, Samantha Carter," he inclined his head towards Sam, "has been charged with willfully enticing her Royal Majesty, Queen Janet of the Infirmary," nodding towards the Queen, "into a game of croquet…."

Sam hotly interrupted Daniel at this point. "I did not entice her into a game of croquet! It was her idea entirely." The courtroom exploded with noise, all the spectators shouting and carrying on. Queen Janet began beating the bench with her gavel.

"Order, order, I will have order in this court!" she shouted above the din of the crowd. Everyone quickly quieted down.

Daniel fixed Sam with a firm look, and then continued reading the charges. "…Into a game of croquet where she did with malice and forethought ridicule and otherwise humiliate our beloved Queen thus causing her to lose her temper."

The crowd went wild; Sam began protesting loudly to Daniel and anyone else who would listen. Queen Janet began pounding her gavel. Daniel quickly whispered to Sam, "Please, you have to humor her. Trust me, it will all work out."

Yeah, right Sam thought, "trust me", how many times had she heard that from a man?

The insistent pounding of the gavel finally broke through the noise and everyone settled down. Queen Janet leaned forward and smiling evilly said to Sam, "Would you like to hear your sentence now?"

"Sentence?" Sam responded angrily, "Why, there hasn’t even been a verdict! Daniel," she pleaded, "please, you have to help me."

"Ah, Your Highness, don’t you think we should call some witnesses?" Daniel asked the Queen. Sam looked anxiously at Janet.

"Well, all right," she conceded somewhat grudgingly. "Call the first witness!"

The cry echoed through the courtroom, passing from person to person until finally the doors burst open and two SF’s entered escorting a somewhat bewildered looking Martouf to the witness stand.

"The first witness, Your Majesty. The Tok’ra, Martouf," Daniel announced with a flourish.

Janet eyed Martouf warily, then asked, "Just what do you know about this situation?"

Martouf looked briefly at Sam, and then turning back towards Janet replied, "Nothing, absolutely nothing."

Janet nodded, apparently satisfied. "Very well, jury, you heard what the witness said. Please make note of that." Looking on in approval as the jury members began busily writing, she continued, "And now, for the sentence."

"No!" Sam shouted, "Martouf—do something!"

"Samantha, what can I do?" He looked at her with his watery blue eyes and spoke most earnestly. "You know as well as I do that the Tok’ra cannot become involved in this situation. I am sorry." With that pronouncement, he left the witness box.

Janet began pounding her gavel again. "The sentencing, on with the sentencing!"

Daniel interrupted, "Your most gracious Majesty, there are more witnesses."

"What? More witnesses?" She seemed a little put out, but deferred to Daniel. "As you wish, call the next witness."

"Call the next witness! Call the next witness!" Daniel shouted.

Again, there was a great ruckus as "call the next witness" echoed about the large room. Sam could feel a gigantic headache starting. Oh well, she thought, at least she still had a head. She giggled at that thought, which caused Daniel to give her a strange look. She had to stifle another giggle, pull yourself together Sam, she chastised herself.

After much activity, two SF’s once more appeared through the courtroom door dragging a very sleepy Lieutenant Simmons with them. They held him under the arms and he stumbled along with his eyes closed. They hauled him up to the witness box, and he tumbled in. He immediately propped his arms on the railing and lowered his head onto them, snoring quietly.

Leaning over the bench, Queen Janet prodded the sleeping Simmons with her gavel. "Lieutenant, Lieutenant," she said; he merely mumbled something at her. "Lieutenant!" she finally shouted. That woke him. He came to attention immediately, his eyes staying open for all of ten seconds. But at least this time he remained standing.

"Lieutenant, just what do you know of this matter?"

Simmons roused a bit and opening his eyes he looked at Janet and asked, "Which matter is that ma’am?"

"Why, the matter involving Samantha Carter, of course."

"Samantha Carter," Simmons murmured, a sappy grin lighting up his face. "I love Samantha Carter."

Oh no, Sam looked at Simmons in horror. Daniel merely grinned at her and mouthed, "I told you so." She gave Daniel a killing look; this wasn’t going to help her case.

Fortunately, Queen Janet looked mildly amused. She told the drowsy lieutenant, "I didn’t ask you what your feelings are towards the accused, I asked what you know of the matter before this court."

"Nothing ma’am, nothing at all," came his sleepy reply, and with a yawn he lowered his head once more onto his arms.

Janet nodded, apparently satisfied with his answer. Calling to the SF’s, she instructed them to remove Simmons from the courtroom. They hauled the sleeping man from the room.

As Janet was about to bring her gavel down, Daniel spoke quickly. "There is one more witness, Your Majesty."

Sighing heavily, Queen Janet replied, "Very well, bring in the next witness." Then pinning Daniel with a glare she said, "And this had better be the last one."

Once more Daniel called for the next witness to be brought forward. To Sam’s amazement the two SF’s escorted in a rather reluctant looking Colonel O’Neill. He shook off their hands halfway down the aisle and made his way towards the witness box. When he got to the platform where Daniel was standing, he paused saying, "Daniel, if this is about the watch…."

"No Jack, it’s about Sam," he said quietly. Daniel looked nervously towards Janet and whispered quickly to Jack, "Hurry, you better get to the stand before Her Majesty loses her temper."

Glancing at Janet, O’Neill muttered, "Napoleonic power-monger" and began a leisurely walk towards the witness box.

Janet watched his approach with growing interest, and when he finally entered the box she commented sweetly, "Anytime you’re ready Colonel."

"Thank you, Your Majesty. I believe I’m ready now." Jack winked at Sam and Daniel.

Oh no, Sam thought, looking at the Colonel with growing apprehension. She didn’t know what he had planned but the cocky grin on his face gave her a very bad feeling. She gave him an imploring look; he just continued to grin and gave her the "thumbs up" sign. She was doomed, Sam thought glumly, totally and positively doomed. Turning back to Janet, he gave her one of his most charming looks.

"Colonel O’Neill, just where were you during the time in question?" Queen Janet asked with a coy smile, batting her eyelashes outrageously at the Colonel.

I’ll kill her, Sam thought furiously; I will definitely kill her before this trial is over. Daniel also looked pained by Janet’s less-than-subtle flirting with O’Neill.

"Why Your Majesty," Jack answered in his most ingratiating voice. "I was at home drinking tea. You see, it’s my unbirthday." He looked over at Daniel and jerked his head towards Janet. Sam saw the by-play, and wondered what the hell the Colonel was trying to tell Daniel.

Daniel suddenly nodded and jumping off the platform ran up to the bench. "Why, Your Majesty, today is your unbirthday!"

Janet looked surprised and thrilled, "My unbirthday? Why I do believe you’re right my darling."

Jack started singing, "A very merry unbirthday to you, to you". Daniel took Janet’s hand and pulled her from behind the bench and began dancing with her about the courtroom.

Daniel joined in on the next line, "A very merry unbirthday to you, to you". Janet laughed and smiled. Indeed, the whole crowd started to get into the swing of things; even the SF’s who guarded Sam left their post to take part in the merriment. Everyone soon joined in, everyone that is except Sam. She knew something bad was going to happen, she just didn’t know when or how. Slipping through the gate of the stall, she continued to watch the festivities from the platform where Daniel had been standing.

As Jack and Daniel began singing, "Blow the candles out my dear and make your wish come true", Martouf and Simmons entered the room carrying a huge three layer cake with white frosting that was topped by a dozen lit candles. As Daniel danced Janet over to the cake, Teal’c magically appeared next to Sam. When Janet was less than a foot from the cake, Teal’c nudged Sam, who lost her balance falling into the dancing couple. Daniel, letting go of Janet and fell backwards, O’Neill caught Sam as she fell forward between the couple and Janet, well, Her Majesty fell right into the cake taking Martouf and Simmons with her.

A deathly quiet fell over the room, everyone staring in shocked silence at their Queen, who now sat sprawled on the floor between the two unfortunate men, all three of them covered with white frosting and cake. Martouf started to cautiously pick the candles out of Janet’s hair, while Simmons ineffectually began trying to brush frosting and cake crumbs off of her skirts. Sam knew she would never forget the look on Janet’s face for as long as she lived, as it was the same look Hathor had when she had tried to kill Sam with the ribbon device. Sam reluctantly freed herself from O’Neill’s arms and began to slowly back away from the trio on the floor.

While Sam and everyone else within ten feet of the Queen discreetly backed up, Daniel quickly got to his feet and ran over to his Queen. "Let me help you, Your Majesty," he said grabbing her hand and pulling her to her feet.

Sam looked quickly towards the Colonel. He simply shrugged his shoulders and said, "Sorry, Sam." Of course, Teal’c had conveniently disappeared again. If she ever got her hands on him…. Martouf and Simmons were still on the floor; Simmons once more asleep with his head resting on one of the layers of the cake and Martouf was actually eating some of the cake. She couldn’t expect any help from either of them. Daniel was busy wiping frosting off of Janet’s face. Oh, Sam thought with a sinking feeling, she really is a mess.

Breathing heavily, her bosom heaving, Janet scanned the crowd. As Daniel wiped one last glob of frosting off her face, she finally spotted Sam and cried, "Off with her head!"

Sam found herself suddenly wishing she hadn’t thrown away those pieces of the mushroom she had gotten during her encounter with General Hammond. The one that could make her larger would have come in very handy about right now. Well, there didn’t seem much else she could do except try and make a run for it. The SF’s, corpsmen and nurses under Janet’s rule were advancing steadily on her position. Daniel awkwardly pleaded with the Queen; Sam could hear him trying to convince her to be merciful. But by the tone of Janet’s voice as she responded Sam knew that would never happen. She continued to slowly back away, and when she thought that she was close enough, she turned quickly and broke through the crowd making for the doors.

"After her!" she could hear Queen Janet calling as she burst through the courtroom doors and found herself back in the rose garden. Sam quickly began sprinting through the garden and into the maze. Hazarding a quick look behind, she could see Janet, Daniel, and several dozen corpsmen and nurses running after her.

She ran through the maze, which put her out at the woods. She ran by the cottage where the Colonel’s tea party had been. She thought she could hear them singing but didn’t stop to investigate, the Queen and her minions being too close for comfort. She soon passed through the flower garden where General Hammond had been, but there was no sign of him. She doubted whether he would have had any jurisdiction over Queen Janet anyway. Sam had been running for a long time now and had begun to feel a bit winded. She couldn’t afford to slow down though; the shouting from the Queen’s group seemed to be louder than before.

The part of the woods she found herself in now seemed vaguely familiar. Yes, this is where she had encountered the Tweedles Maybourne and Samuels! She had to be getting close to the door that would lead her back to the Stargate. She found herself running through a long corridor of trees that reminded her of a tunnel, the sound of her pursuers still close at hand. The tunnel of trees ended abruptly and Sam found herself at the door with the Apophis doorknob, which was now oddly enough normal in size. No time to wonder about that now Sam, she told herself, grabbing the doorknob and turning it hard.

"Ouch!" it squealed. "Still locked you know," it whined at her.

She really did not have time for this. "Please, you have to open, I have to get out of here! They’re after me." Sam looked back up the tree corridor; her pursuers were rapidly approaching.

"Well, you are out of here," the doorknob replied cryptically. "Here, look for yourself." It formed its mouth into the shape of a keyhole and Sam bent down to peer through. The doorknob was right; there she was on the other side of the door in her own bed asleep.

She began calling, "Wake up Sam, wake up. Please, Sam, you have to wake up!" All the while she could hear the pounding footsteps of the Queen and her troops getting closer and closer….

 

The thunder sounded almost continuously. Sam buried her head in her pillow, trying to block out the noise. The rumbling stopped abruptly then started up again. She lifted her head from the pillow as she realized there hadn’t been any lightning before the thunder. In fact, it wasn’t raining at all, if the daylight seeping in past her curtains was any indication. Then what was that noise? Uh oh, she could hear a voice now, an extremely aggravated male voice, calling her name.

She rolled over and looked at her clock, which was blinking "12:00". Oh no, the power had gone off sometime during the night. She had overslept. Colonel O’Neill was at the door, waiting to take her to the base. Quickly jumping out of bed she ran to the door, hoping to get there before the rest of the neighborhood came out to see who was beating her door down. She flung it open, the Colonel practically falling into the room, carried by the momentum of his pounding.

"Jeez, Carter—where ya’ been? Didn’t you hear me?" He said as she quickly shut the door behind him. He eyed her bare feet, his gaze traveling up the long expanse of her bare legs to the hem of the short pink sleep T she wore. Smiling appreciatively he drawled, "Still in bed I see, what happened?"

She was mortified at having him see her like this, even though she did like the gleam she saw in his eyes. Running her hand quickly through her hair she said, "Sorry Colonel, evidently the power went out sometime during the night, so my alarm didn’t go off. Just give me a few minutes to get dressed and then we can leave for the base." She left him standing by the door as she walked back down the hall towards her bedroom, "Just make yourself at home," she called.

"Don’t hurry on my account," he replied. "Mind if I make some tea?"

"Ah, no. Help yourself." That was odd she thought, since when did the Colonel drink tea?

Heading back down the hall to her bedroom and adjoining bath, she quickly used the facilities, washing her hands and face, and then brushing her teeth. While dressing, she realized she was humming a perky little tune and began singing, "A very merry unbirthday to me, to me. A very merry unbirthday to you, to you." All of a sudden it all came back to her, the whole trip through…Wonderland? She shook her head, don’t be silly, it was just a dream. Yeah, she thought, a very real dream full of people that she knew; but still only a dream. Parts of it had been really nice, she recalled, thinking about dancing with the Colonel at his unbirthday party. Other parts hadn’t been so nice though, as she remembered being chased by ‘Queen’ Janet and her subjects.

When she had finished dressing, she went looking for the Colonel and found him sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea. Odd, he had somehow found her tea service and he had also made some toast. A very strong feeling of deja’ vu came over her. Shaking her head, Sam sat down, and as he poured her a cup of tea she said, "I had the most curious dream last night…."

THE END


End file.
